Support Organizations

Here is an attempt at compiling information about Organizations that support and are involved in issues pertaining to sexual minorities in TamilNadu. This page will be updated with more information as and when it is available. (Source : Infosem.Org)

• Snegyitham - Tiruchirapalli
• Love india - Tuticorin
• Kith and Kens - Mayiladuthurai
• Naam - Dindigul
• Males Social Movement Society - Erode
• Federation of Male social and sexual health programme - Tiruchirappali
• Gokulam - Madurai
• Suder Foundation - Kancheepuram
• LIAAS - Kumbakonam
• Tamilnadu Aravanigal Association - Chennai
• Sahodaran - Chennai
• SWAM - Chennai
• Challenge - Chennai
• SAATHI - Chennai

இந்தியாவில் மாறுபட்ட பாலீர்ப்பு உரிமை இயக்கத்தின் சரித்திரம் - 1

இந்தியாவில் மாறுபட்ட பாலீர்ப்பு உரிமை இயக்கத்தின் சரித்திரம் சமூகவியல் ரீதியாகவும், அரசியல் ரீதியாகவும் இந்தியாவில் இவ்வியக்கம் இளமையானது. 1990களில் தான் முதல் சில அடிகள் வைக்கப்பட்டன.

1941

இஸ்மாத் சுக்தாயின் லிகாப் என்ற சிறுகதை பிரசுரிக்கப்பட்டது.இதில் பெண்களுக்கிடையே முதன் முதலில் உறவு சித்தரிக்கப்பட்டது.அரசாஙகம் அதன் மேல் ஆபாசக் குற்றச்சாட்டு இட்டது.ஆனால் நீதிபதியால் ரத்து செய்யப்பட்டது

1978


சகுந்தலா தேவியின் "ஓரினச்சேர்க்கையாளர்களின் உலகம்" ( The world of homosexuals) என்ற புத்தகம் பிரசுரிக்கப்பட்டது.இந்தியாவின் கண்ணோட்டத்தில் ஓரினச்சேர்க்கை பற்றி முதன் முதலில் பேசிய புத்தகம் இது.

1979-1980

கல்கத்தாவில் 'கே சீன்' என்ற பத்திரிகை தொடங்கப்பட்டது.சில இதழ்களே வெளிவந்தன.இதை தொடங்கியவர்கள் பற்றிய விவரம் தெரிய வரவில்லை.

March 19. 1979

சதீஷ் அலேகர் எழுதி இயக்கிய 'பேகம் பார்வே' என்ற நாடகம் முதன் முதலில் பூனே அகாடமியால், தில்லியில் அரங்கேறியது.பெண்ணாக வாழ விரும்பும் ஒரு ஆணின் கதை இது.80 களிலும் ,90களிலும் குஜராத்தியிலும் இந்தியிலும் அரங்கேறியது.

70-80s

ஆனந்த் நடகர்னி எழுதிய பார்ட்னர் என்ற ஒரு பகுதி நாடகம்.இது விடுதியில் தங்கும் இரு ஆண்களுக்கிடையே தொடங்கிய உறவு ஒருவன் திருமணத்திற்கு பின்னர் தோன்றும் குழப்பங்கள் பற்றியது.

August 15th 1981

விஜய் டெண்டுல்கர் எழுதிய 'மித்ராசி கோஷ்ட்' என்ற நாடகம்.இது தான் லெச்பியன் என்று அறியும் ஒரு பெண்ணின் உள்ளுணர்வுகளைப் பற்றியது.

1990
இந்தியாவில் மாறுபட்ட பாலீர்ப்பாளர்களுக்கான முதல் பத்திரிகை பாம்பே தோஸ்த் வெளிவந்தது.

1993

எய்ட்ஸ் பேத்பாவ் விரோதி ஆந்தோலன் ஓரினச்சேர்க்கையாளர்களின் உரிமைக்காகவும் காவல்துறையின் அத்துமீறலையும் எதிர்த்து குரல் கொடுத்தது

1997

அம்ஜின்சி மும்பையில் மாநாடு நடத்தியது,மாறுபட்ட பாலீர்ப்பாளர்கலின் உரிமை பற்றிய அம்ஜின்சி என்ற தொகுப்பை வெளியிட்டது.

Definitions

பால் (Sex)

இது பிறப்பில் தோன்றிய உடற்கூறு சார்ந்த வேறுபாடு.

பாலினம் (Gender)

ஆண் தன்மை அல்லது பெண் தன்மை. பாலினம் என்பது ஒருவர் தன்னை அடையாளம்
காண உபயோகிக்கும் சொல்.

உதாரணம்:
சமூகம் 'வலிமை', 'வீரம்' போன்றவற்றை ஆண்தன்மையோடு இணைக்கிறது.
'மென்மை' போன்றவற்றை பெண்தன்மையோடு இணைக்கிறது.

பால் ஈர்ப்பு: (Sexual Attraction/ Sexuality)

இது பாலியல் ரீதியாக ஏற்படும் ஈர்ப்பு.

பாலுறவு நடத்தை: ( Sexual Behavior)

நடைமுறையில் ஒருவர் யாருடன் பாலுறவு கொள்கிறார்கள். அதாவது ஆண் மற்றும்/அல்லது பெண், அறவாணிகளூடன்.

பாலுறவு அடையாளம் : ( Sexual identity)

ஒருவர் தம்மை எப்படி அடையாளப்படுத்தி கொள்கிறார்கள். உதாரணம்: கோதி, DD, அறவாணி..

ஓரினச்சேர்க்கை ( Homosexuality )

ஆண்களுடன் பாலீர்ப்பு உடைய ஆண்கள், பெண்களிடன் பாலீர்ப்பு உள்ள பெண்கள், (ஓரினச்சேர்க்கையாளர்)

இருபாலீர்ப்பு/ (Bisexuality)

மற்றும் ஆண்/பெண் இருவருடனும் பாலீர்ப்பு உடையவர்கள் (இருபாலீர்ப்பாளர்கள்)

பலபாலீர்ப்பு / Pansexuality

மற்றும் சிலர் ஆண்/பெண் என்னும் வேறுபாட்டைக் கடந்த பாலீர்ப்பு கோ


ட்ரான்ஸ்ஜெண்டர்: / Transgender

தங்களது பிறப்பு ரீதியான பாலும், பாலினத்தன்மையும் மாறுபட்டதாக உணர்பவர்கள்.

உதாரணம் : தான் பெண் என்று மன அளவில் நம்பும் ஆண்கள் இது சில சமயம் ட்ரான்ஸெக்சுவல் என்பதையும் சேர்த்துச் சொல்லும் கூட்டுச்சொல்லாகவும் பயன்படுகிறது.

ட்ரான்ஸ்செக்சுவல் / Transexual

பிறப்பால் ஒரு பாலும், மன அளவில் வேறு பாலினத்துடன் அடையாளம் காண்பவர்கள், மற்றும் இந்த வேறுபாடை மாற்ற அறுவை சிகிச்சை அல்லது ஹார்மோன் சிகிச்சை மேற்கொண்டவர்கள்.

Weeding out the Gay Kind

Apparently, a study is on at the Oregon State University, on ways of precluding homosexual orientation in the young ones of sheep, by correcting the hormonal balance in pregnant ewes.

This raises a very interesting question that I have been pondering for a while now. It is one thing to say that people should be accepted as they are, and their sexuality should not play a role in determining their merit. The question is, if a way is found to remove from the gene pool, homosexuality, what would the reaction of gay people be, to such a process?

The answer, I suppose, turns on the the question, "does an individual person consider homosexuality a positive good?" If your opinion of homosexuality is that it is harmful, or deviant, or if you believe it is inconsequential, or neutral, you should not really *mind* such a method. Not much would be *lost* to humanity, by everyone being straight. On the other hand, if you think it is a positive good, then you would think such a process is morally wrong, or at least, wrong headed.

Given the nature of this particular study, the liberal predisposition might be to go for the latter tact (as Martina Navratilova has done). So, to balance the issue (and confuse you more), let me add one more such change that would have the same effect - gay marriage. If marriage between two people of the same-sex is legalized, and eventually, socially accepted, it stands to reason that the rate of procreation among people with alternative sexualities would reduce, and eventually, possibly, the trait would dilute into extinction.

Personally, I do not believe homosexuality is a good, or an evil. As I like to say, I am that I am, as God and Nature made me. I find such studies ridiculous, given the sheer complexity of the process of evolution. No single factor, be it the hormonal balance in the pregnant mother, or a particular genetic sequence, or an environmental factor would trigger such variation in sexuality. I believe it is, and would remain, another mystery of the human condition, and of Creation.

And anyway, didn't we all agree that there is nothing as "homosexuality" or heterosexuality per se, but only a range of bisexuality?

Hat tip: Jonah Goldberg at The Corner

PS2: This was cross-posted on Mea Sententia

Is a Gay Conservative like a Muslim Pope?

Off blog, Rajani posed a very interesting question today, and I wish to respond here. This was Rajani's question:

... I find the concept of "conservative gay men" a little difficult to comprehend... When you yourself are a [member of a] minority how could you believe in discriminatory practices against women and all that which goes with the hard-line [E]vangelical [R]ight in [the US]??"

First, I did not support the Abortion Ban in South Dakota. I do not condone discrimination and prejudice in the name of conservatism. Neither do I believe that the world was a great place in 18th century, and we need to revert to that.

Before I answer Rajani's question, let me clarify my general approach to political/social issues:

I am indeed conservative, in the sense that I believe that the liberties of an individual is more secure when she is empowered, rather than in the suprahuman setups such as communities, tribes, societies and governments. I believe that traditions, need to be honored, and not thrown out of the window in fits of ambitious social projects and revolution.

I believe that government regulation should be limited to areas that are demonstrably beyond the ken of market readjustment (pollution control would be a good example of such an area). This would immediately put extreme abortion bans like that of South Dakota out of question

I believe in tolerance of differing views and respect for fellow human beings as a fundamental ethos and these views do include those who believe that homosexuality is "objectively wrong". If you think such tolerance is fundamentally non-conservative, you should read this book.

I do believe that there are good and evil, and these are not just viewpoints. I do not believe humans are born an empty slate, and can be written into as the society wills, or that humans could be shaped and remade in any revolutionary mould. I do not believe that the greater social good should override the individual good.

You might call me a classical liberal, a moderate libertarian, or a Anti-Statist Progressive. Take your pick.

Now, having stated those, let me flip Rajani's question: As a gay man, could I not believe any of those? I do not think so. How could I believe that the societies/governments know best, plan best, and make the best of men, when I know they have been utterly wrong, in the case of homosexuality, for centuries?

A better way to ask it is this: Have you ever come across a point of argument, short of complete voidance of morality, that could be forwarded for the right of gay people to be left alone, that does not rely on limitations on government's/society's role, and wisdom, in casting an individual's life? In fact, arguments of "greatest good for the greatest numbers" are much easier to use against miniscule minorities like gays.

I see strong correlation between my politics, and my own experiences of a gay man. I hope you do too.


PS: If you are wondering, I believe that the morality of abortion degrades with the advancement of the pregnancy, and the government could claim any role at all only in advanced stages, and even then, the decision to abort a pregnancy should be made at a case-by-case level by the mother and the doctor.

First off, Hello

Let me start off thanking Rajani, and the other overlords of this blog for the opportunity to be a part of the content team here, and introducing myself.

My name's Ramki. I am a software engineer, living in... where else? The Bay Area of California. I am a regular observer/commentator on political and legal matters, and a long time blogger (started my first blog in 2002). You can read my personal blog here.

My focus here would be the politics of culture wars, conservative/libertarian thought on sexuality issues, faith, and legal issues. I will be focusing on both the issues facing the LGBT community in both India and the US.

I will mostly be blogging in English, but reserve the right to go Thamizh once in a while.

Coming Out Stories

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Menon's Coming Out Story
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I am not a person who finds it easy to express.I was since my earliest days, a distant kid. I didn't like to be held orhugged and I definitely did not voice my thoughts. To make to make thingsworse, I realized I was different. So, instead of questioning myself ortrying to understand what I was feeling, I threw myself into reading novelsand a million other articles till the time I gathered some guts to guiltilystart collecting pictures of women from various magazines and newspapers.Since I did collect pictures of men too, I thought that meant I was not gay.I was so ignorant at that time that I believed that there was onlyhomosexuality and heterosexuality. Then of course in college I met the womanI fell in love with and the one who reciprocated. It was more than love andfriendship. She opened me up to myself. I realized that I was bisexual("duh!" I thought to myself at that time), like her.I was newly 18, madly in love and I couldn't share my joy, my sudden fearand confusion that came from suddenly facing my emotions. As usual, I lockedit up in me till I thought was going to burst a vein in my head if I didn'tdie of a heart attack. I became moody, sullen and withdrawn and that scaredmy mom who knew that as usual I was terribly bothered by something but nottalking. She asked me many times at various occasions if there was somethingI wanted to talk about but I always said no.One late night when my sis was asleep (my dad, an army officer, was postedto north-east at that time), she called me, asked me to sit in the dinningroom and there, in front of me, she began sobbing. "What's bothering you?For god's sake, confide in someone!! If you don't wish to tell me, talk tour dad. Just talk! It's impossible for me to watch you like this and to topit all you don't even talk. Tell me or talk to dad now. Call him up. He'lllisten. Don't keep it in you. Whatever u got to say, say it. Don't let iteat you up." Watching her tears of frustration, I broke down and came out toher. Watching me cry (I don't cry in front of people. Not even my parents),she was shook up. She hugged and rubbed my back while I poured my heart toher. I told her everything. I told her that I was in love with a woman. Sheheld me tight and said it was ok and that everything was going to be allright and that she loved me no matter what. I felt strangely light as theburden took off from my heart. She wiped her tears and said, "Growing upkids often feel like you do. It is not some thing new. All you have to do isto stay away from girls for sometime. Don't hold hands. Don't sit too closeto them and do not give them a lift on ur Scooty and u'll be fine. You mustnot tell ur husband about it once you get married. Men don't take such newswell." I couldn't believe my ears! All my coming out and confessing was anentire waste of time. I was fortunately too exhausted (physically, mentallyand emotionally) to kill myself out of utter frustration, so I wept somemoreand then slept.But now I feel coming out to her was not a complete waste. She was rightabout loving me no matter but she was still bothered about my attraction togirls. And of course, there was an issue she couldn't face--my girlfriend.For years we tiptoed around the subject till this year when I was going toover to Hyderabad to stay with my girlfriend at her house. We had a heart toheart exchange of letters. Anger, fear, pleads…almost all frustration flowedfrom both sides and then she wrote, "if you are going to that girl's place(plz note the lack of word girlfriend or lover or even her name), don't getphysical." I snapped back with, "My bedroom life is nobody's business butmine." And then she stopped. She didn't talk for some days but now, sheseems more accepting. Baby steps at a time is ok as long as it's towardsacceptance.Then of course I have a sis (younger) to whom I wished to come out. She wasworried that I didn't have a love life because I was shy. I came out to heron messenger because I knew I wasn't going to meet her for a long time(she's studying in Hyderabad and I work in Delhi) :

Me: I got to tell u something really personal…
Sis: ya. Tell.Me: remember u told me that I should go out on dates and meet ppl and toallow romance into my life?
Sis: ya
Me: I didn't have guts to tell u then but I have been dating mostly girls usee…
Sis: that's gr8! Double dates make things more comfortable for some
Me: I don't think u read it right. I said I DATED GIRLS…Sis: OMG!!!
Me: er…yaSis: are u a lesbian?Me: bisexual is more like it.
Sis: all these years I knew u were not st8
Me: ridiculous!! U never knew a thing
Sis: I do observe u know.(lots of talks and details better left censored here)
Sis: u think u cud get married and…er…u know, do the married stuff?
Me: I' m attracted to men too. I will manage a marriage if I do get marriedin the first place. For now I wanted to come out to you. U seem ok with thenews. I'm surprised.
Sis: lol…I'm not a kid anymore. I'm fine with the news. I have many gayfriends so I know how it must be for you.

I am happy to say that my sis has been an amazing (and a surprisinglystrong) supporter ever since.Then of course is dad to whom I am yet to come out. But I got a feeling thathe either knows (through mom) or has an idea. He did ask me once, "so, how'slife without a wife?" but then maybe its wishful thinking that he just knowsabt it already and save me the trouble of coming out to him. I know I'llbreak his heart with the news that his darling first-born is queer (when mymom was pregnant with me, my parents went to holy places asking for adaughter coz my dad wanted one. At least his first one, he prayed). I'llneed strength to break this news to dad…I wonder when my next breakdown isgoing to be. Soon I think. Soon.I read somewhere that coming out is a continuous process. It never reallystops. I am out to all my friends and I keep meeting newer people to whom Ireveal the fact once they become good friends. Coming out has beenliberating on so many different levels. I now quite like being myself thoughnot everybody accepts or understands. I just go on being myself and'educate' straight friends about homosexuality along the way.

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Shri's Coming Out Story - Dated, 18 Jan 2006
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I did it! I didt it! Atlast... after all the struggle.
The response was quite positive , Infact the best thing ever happened in my life.
Feels like am a new born today..... Bye Bye to all the fears I had!!.

I decided to do it thru emails, as I was not comfortable talking.
I am already out to my sis and she handled it in a very good way and explained my parents. Without her it would have been impossible.

I am sharing the email exchanges (edited!) between my parents and me here....

Cheers
Shri

Mail:
Dear Appa/Amma...
Its strange am writting you a letter, though you are just a telephone call away.
I know you are worried about my marriage and confused why I am not interested in it.I want to tell you why and what am going through, thats why I am writting this.
My reason would be very disturbing and might shock you also.. Before that I want to make few things clear
1. I have no health problems , am perfectly alright, Dont panic.2. I am not suffering from a love failure. I wont waste my life for someone else. 3. You may not be able to understand or accept my reasons easily, but still I am and will always be your son. Nothing is out of control and I wont do things that will hurt your feelings.
I have been struggling within myself whether to tell you or not.But I sincerely feel that I should be honest with my parents and let them know who I am. You have every right to know. If I hide myself to you both, then there is no meaning in my life.
Its quite difficult for me to find perfect words to explain this, but I will try my level best.
I have no feelings for women. All my emotional, romantic and sexual feelings are towards men!. Yes... It is medically possible and there are people like me and they are called homosexuals (If you are not aware). People like me will have feelings towards the same sex. You know almost 10% of every population is of homosexuals.This is something am born with. Its not a disease or a habbit, which I can get rid of with a treatment. Its absolutely natural, and its against nature to change myself by any means. I can never ever marry a girl.
I was quite shocked myself when I realised this at my young age. I had no one to share and I had to suffer all alone. These are things which we cant even share with friends. I thought once i grow ...I will change and become like other men.. but it never happened.
I was so ashamed and guilty and I hated myself. I was expecting a miracle and was praying god every day!! :-(
Once I came to a matured age, i realised that its not a crime or a curse to be a homosexual (gay).There are people like me in this world and everything is natural and normal.
I am always your son and I always love and respect both of you. I dont immediately expect both of you to understand or accept.
I always wanted to keep my parents happy and I am really sorry if this affects you in anyway.I have no choice other then letting both of you know.
I know I am the pet in the family and I always want to be.I still have the fear that I may be rejected by anyone for my sexuality.I am not really sure about all of my friends, collegues or our relatives.
But I will not be able to take rejections from my family. All I want is a place in your hearts... I am sure I cant live without that.
I already told this to kutti(my sis) and she is quite supportive. I know its quite hard to lead a life as gay , but I pray to god that I get the courage to face my life with a smile. More than that I need your blessings for that.
Hope I will get it.
Yours,
Shri

Reply:
We read the mail and understood the whole thing completely. We can now understand that why you were not interested in marriage.We felt very bad that you went through the whole thing without letting us know.As parents we support you fully on whatever decision you would like to take in your life.

We cannot expect everyone to understand this and we think it is not neccesary to explain and express to anyone. Also when you notice, in each of our relatives family there is a person who is not married and we dont know the reason behind the same, And we have come accross such instances even among our friends (Boys/Girls). Additionly, not every marriage ends in success.So please dont take it seriously or feel bad for the same. That is what is making us feel unhappy.

Always keep in mind that if you are happy then we will be,if you are feeling bad about anything that will affect us badly.Be happy & cheerful as always - That is what is you....

Till our last breathe and even after that- we will always be with you to support you.
Once again, we promise.

Take care & talk to you soon.
Appa&Amma

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Aniruddhan's Coming Out Story
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I start breathing

One chill December morning I woke up with the feeling that this was the day. But I did not want to rush into it because I had this Doctoral Committee meeting looming large over me that day. I decided to finish that and tackle this in the evening. I knew my parents were guessing and wondering, given my sudden change of research area (Queer Literature) and the vehemence with which I was reading up - all those books and articles and sheets of downloaded poems lying around everywhere at home.

The doctoral committee thing, I understand, is usually a mere formality. But my supervisor had warned that mine might not be. And yes, it wasn't. People on the committee were super-curious as to why I had chosen to work on queer writings. I defended my choice of topic in a way that impressed myself! Came home in the evening with this other task hanging over me like a huge mass of gray clouds, attached by tenuous threads to heaven, threatening to break down on me any time. After my customary cup of coffee, I paced up and down the house, with my knapsack still on me, wondering how to begin and where to. Then Ii switched on my computer, opened a Word document, and typed out all that I wanted to tell them...in a stream-of-consciousness fashion! I called my folks (mom, dad and sis) to my room. Asked my dad to read it aloud for everyone to hear. He probably thought it was one of my creative compositions that he was being asked to read out!
I could actually see them pale a bit when he read out the word “gay.” At the end of it , there was this sepulchral silence for a few minutes, all three of them looking at me, looking at each other, then suddenly having the air of being about to say something, and then not saying anything. My mom broke the silence: "Are you sure?" I said, "yes, i am." She: "Ok! no problem. As long as you are sure of it. Well, sorry for taking these few minutes. I was a little unsettled. Though we are very enlightened in this direction, it is a whole new story to have it happen at your doorstep. That’s okay. No problem at all." My dad: "Yeah. I do not have a problem. It is natural. Why have you even thought of possible rejection (I had, in that "declaration")? How can we despise you? Nothing will change. Nothing at all." By this time I was in tears. I generally need the slightest provocation!! Mom and dad opened out their hands, hugged me tight, and kept saying, "we love you, we love you." My sister looked at me with tear-filled eyes that showed understanding and acceptance. It was such a relief. Such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

My folks have always known most of my friends - queer and non-queer. They now know my friends from my support group, Movenpick. Their demeanour towards these friends and me has not changed a wee bit after the ‘enlightenment.’ Most importantly they have not done the possible mistake of suspecting all my friends of queerness. No. They have chosen not to privilege it in any special way.

They have overwhelmed me with their love and understanding. They now read all my creative. They ask questions. They genuinely want to know. They talk to me about safe sex. They now stand by me even as I go through subtle and pronounced harassments from several quarters. In all these months after the coming-out, several things have changed. I feel liberated. I feel free to talk about queer politics at home. I do not have to do anything under cover. But what has not changed is their love for me. I shall forever be grateful to them for that. They remain entirely beyond thanks because of the sheer inadequacy of the word.

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Praveen's Coming Out Story
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As i work in night shifts, i hardly spoke to my brother in few weeks. Day before yesterday, it happend like my brother took off for some personal reason. So after very long time, all the four - my mom, sister, brother and me - had casual talk on the day.. Whenever we were together we always ended up with some discussions... Usually it is my mom or I would start a discussion with a current topics..(varies from politics, sports, love affair and so on) I started a discussion, 'Whether marriage is the only source of peaceful life?' (This wasn't so new to me, coz we had already discussed topics like 'Sex education - Pros and cons', 'How shall we plan to control AIDS' and mostly it was my mom who suggested those topics.. (My father used to scold my mom for discussing such topics explicitly with children...but she hardly cared)

So the discussion went very hot; my sister and me stood on the point that marriage is important but at the same time it is not the only source for satisfaction and serene life... My brother stood against us by telling that marriage is only way to live a proper, disciplined and satisfied life... Discussion went for almost three and half hours... My mom suggested, it's only in the upto the individuals and their happiness; if the individual could live life peacefully without marriage, then nothing should stop him! And no one should be forced to get married!!! I didnt know, my mom started noticing me from that....

Today morning, i shared this to mukesh and arun when i was chatting with them... And started from office after getting my day's chores done.. When i reached home, it was my mom who opened the door...It was 5.35 am.. I attired myself to my night dress and started watching lord of rings (return of the king) for the zillionth time... Before the first CD was over, my brother got up and left to his office and my sister was taking her shower... My mom, sat behind me... She gave me the cup of tea... So I paused the movie, coz tea time is usually our time for discussing family issues.. She asked me, 'Is there anything u wanted to indicate me...tell me?? '
I was puzzled and looked at her.
'I mean do u ahve something to tell me that is related to our necessity of marriage discussion..??', she looked at me with a smile...
'N..No maa.. it was just a discussion i wanted to have', i stammered...
'See... there nothing that u cant discuss with me... afterall, i don have anyone else u three and if u ahve any issues u shall tell me, so that i can help you, if needed'
'No maa, nothing like that...', i faltered...
She didnt say anything...then she spoke something bout paying my sister's college fees.. but i was just thinking bout her question... Should i tell bout me now?? After a quick debate in my mind, i ventured to tell her...I don wanna miss the oppurtunity...
'Maa, i wanted to tell you something bout me... But i dunno how would face that, but i think u should know that maa', i gazed at her for her approval...
'See, u r my child.. there is nothing could change that and make me hate u...tell me whats that', she waited for my reply...
We heard sound of my sister coming out of bathroom... So she asked me, 'Do u want papa (we call our sister that way) to hear that, or it's only with me...?'
'No maa, we'll tell to papa later...it's only with u as of now..'
'Ok wait, i'll do onething...'
she raised and went back to kitchen. then she convinced my sister that we were going out to purchase shirts for me...We started from home by 9.30.... Meanwhile, as i never thought i would come out so soon, i prepared myself for that... I organised info that i had to tell to convince her.
We took an auto-rikshaw and she took me to Besant nagar beach..!!!!


While travelling in auto she talked much about the budget for the next month.. (Coz i'm the finance incharge for my family) We got off from auto and strolled towards the seashore....
I started ,
'Maa i wouldnt be telling this dad, even if he were with us, i just wanted to tell you...only you... Coz, i always shared everything with you...You always trusted me and i dont want to conceal myself from you...I wanted to you to know completely bout me...' , i stopped for amoment and continued,
'Maa, do u think i think twice before i take any decisions.... Do u believe that i always analyse things before deciding anything...?', I looked at her for reply..
'Of course daa kutty, you always take right decisions, i've no doubt on that..', she said..
'Amma, what i wanted to tell u is.. i'm a... Well, i cannot marry a gal, maa... Coz i've never had any attractions for gals maa... Never had that... Ever since my first attraction, i've been attracted only to males... I'm an homo-sexual male, maa... This is wat i wanted to tell you... I dunno whether u would accept me or not..but i wanted you to know this...I chose to tell you, coz u've always understood me better than any other... ', i uttered words and waited to utter more after her reply...
'How do you know this.. that u r a homo-sexual male? ', she asked me sharply...
'Coz i feel that... ' and i had to explain her how i felt for boys... and i continued, 'But this not my problem maa...defintely not... It's due to some hormonal differences...'
'Can it be cured..?', she asked me
'Maa this is not a disorder or disease, i'm absolutely male... I've no problems with my body... And moreover it's natural ma... Trying to change that is against nature... and moreover, even if i get married to agal, i shall never live a happy life with her...It's like spoiling gal's life..I cannot do that maa; should not do that... Almost 8 to 10% of population are homosexuals maa... I've analysed myself clearly and only after complete introspection, i'm saying this to u.... I shall show u those statistics too maa...'
'Listen kutty, i've always believed u and still believe u... If it's u saying this, i dont need any documents to substantiate it...I dont need to verify bout ur orientation to anyone else... I know u... U are such a responsible kid...now if u choose to be like this, then u should still be in rite part... Amma, didnt took it wrong...as a nurse, i've already seen such cases daa.. All that i wanted make sure is, you should be happy... afterall, how many struggles we have faced together... U'll never spoil anything... how can amma hate u?? This is not ur fault, rite? Dont bother bout anything... Tell me wat should i do...and i'll do accordingly... I'll never insist you to get married... but how long u gonna be single?'
She almost made me wordless and i was wondering bout her...Coz i've prepared myself to face some emotional scenes from her... But she was clear cut... Amma neeyaa ithu?
Then i explained her that i would get a person like me as partner... She asked many questions... but i had answers for all... I was quite good in delivering it with correct pace...
She was extremely convinced.... We then went to barista...had double-choco-fudge.. she was always smiling and very casual... Before starting, ' I'm extremely happy that u have taken a clear decision bout ur life...and onething that impressed me is, that way u cared for a gal's life - for not spoiling her life!! Don worry now...Forget everything fro here...and we'll go home peacefully...', she clasped my hand with her with a reassuring smile....
I never planned to come out so soon....But, sure it's god and my mom helped me....
it was total twist from my mom..
Now, my eyes and heart is full of my mom and her Angelic smile.

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V's Coming Out Story
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Note: V doesn't want to disclose his identity.

I prepared the ground work to tell my sister several months before I came out in December last year. Whenever I used to talk to her on phone I used to drop hints to her that I am not much interested in marriage. Initially she used to make jokes that I am kidding and I would end up marrying even before her marriage (which was to take place within a few months then ). She even joked the fact that my dad used to be sceptic of me spending so much of my time with my college mate who was my neighbor and happens to be a girl ( You will have to see my dads face when she leaves my home !!!... I simply enjoy his suspicion and anger !!! ). But I knew that I am not going to allow her to treat it as a joke . So I kept dropping hints very once in a while. I don't know why girls are smart ( yes they are believe me !!). She started to notice my talking patterns and asked me whats bothering me. I wanted her to fall for my trick and she also knew that I am setting the trap. So when I finally went
to India for her marriage last summer she talked to me to a 'CBI investigation'. I initially joked to her that I am not going to be burdened with marriage. But she did look into my eyes and asked earnestly. I did for one moment want to tell her, but I stopped myself saying that there is a reason for it and this is not the right time for me to tell her. We agreed to discuss it later and I assured her that I will take care of myself and be happy- which is the thing she wanted.

In the mean time my boy friend started to call me every other day while I was in India ( he still says that I owe him tons of money for the calls he made !) . In addition while I am moving around visiting relatives giving marriage invitations he used to call my sisters cell phone which I 'abased' :). So she ended up picking up most of the time when he called. The suspicion was not only to my sister but to my other cousins who where wondering why one should call all the way from the US very often and speak for so long. I guess I did want my sister to understand that something is happening and she duly understood what was happening which she revealed it later.

It was almost nearly nine months since I started the entire operation. Since I was working on my thesis work I ended up working till 4am in the morning in my lab. Before dozing at my lab I just called to say 'hi' to my sister on the phone. She suddenly asked me that its time I revealed to her whats been bothering me for long. Since my parents were away from home that day she asked me to talk frankly. Initially I asked her whether she knows what I am going to say. She did reply that she does thinks she knows but she doesn't want to err wrongly and asked me to tell. She then said that she would love me irrespective of what I am. Then I gave her a long list of my restrictions : please hear to me patiently, I hope you would still love me, Please ask me as many questions, don't feel guilty and don't cut the call abruptly !

Then I uttered my words. I said to her that in long run I see me living with a guy rather than a girl because I was never physically attracted to girls. I was pleasantly surprised when she took it remarkably well and peacefully. Then she started to ask questions . The first one why am I feeling this way and am I sure that this is something that is permanent. She then asked whether I was sure about it because she never felt that I anytime acted like that. She also asked me whether some one had forced me to 'change'. She also asked me whether it happened just because I went to the US. Then the topics went on to several other personal questions including whether it was my upbringing ( including my mom and my sister ) to blame. I patiently but with confidence answered all her questions. She even joked at the end saying that I had convincing answers for all her questions that she could logically accept but cant take it down easily. However she said that she will still love me and said
me to do whatever brings happiness to me. She however cautioned to me not to inform parents anytime as she felt that will affect them.

Though I was very glad that my sister was very supportive her comment in regard to my parents made me feel hurt. I very much wanted my parents to know an important part of me. The saying -Time is the best medicine, is quite true. Its nearly two months that me and my sister started to discuss more and more on this issue. She even spoke to a sister of my friend who is gay and she felt quite supportive. Soon she also talked to my boyfriend and she felt very glad for me. Since then she has since warmed up so well that she got clothes for us together for my birthday ! I can wait to get to see it ! She even last weekend told me that I could tell my parents someday about myself when they bring up the whole issue of marriage. I was quite thrilled her to say those words !!

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Sundar's Coming Out Story
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I came out to my mom "officially" about 2 weeks back. I used the term
"officially" since I know that my mom has had strong suspicions about
my orientation due to a variety of reasons. We never really talked
about it, but I could sense that she knows something.

I had always wanted to come out to my mom, in person (as opposed to
other alternatives such as email, telephone, chat, letter etc.,).
Since I havent been to India in 3 years and do not plan to visit for
another year, the coming out seemed to be getting delayed forever (my
mom wouldnt take a vacation to visit me, not wanting to disrupt her
teaching schedule. she is a teacher). I was getting increasingly
frustated by the whole situation. On one hand, I was becoming
increasingly "out" (which as KMR points out seems to be a long
drawn-out and continual process). On the other hand, it was killing me
that the person closest to my heart (other than Velu that is :)), did
not know about a significant facet of my personality.

While I was struggling to make a decision.. should I come out to her
remotely (not desirable for a variety of reasons) or should I wait
till the next visit (too far in the future and frustrating), the spate
of coming out mails in movenpick helped me. I was very inspired by
all your mails (SIN and Praveen! your mails served as the proverbial
straw) about coming out and decided to come-out remotely and face
the consequences, though I could not decide on the details and the
tactics I wanted to deploy.

The following weekend, I was visiting Velu in "T". During my usual
weekend call to mom, we were discussing about a recent Tamil movie
that I had watched the previous week (It is "autograph" btw. I know, I
am a little slow in keeping up with kollywood). I casually mentioned
that I had a good time "sight-adichufying" someone in the movie.
So my mom goes "so you liked that mallu girl?". I say no.
She goes on "was it sneha then?".
Now, I am a little irritated that she would think I like girls and
blurt out
"So, you think that I should see only the girls in the movie, huh?".
Silence for a while on the other end..
then she asks in a hesitant and unsure voice
"Sundar, are you talking about 'pasanga'?".
Phew.. I am relieved and say "yes mom. I like guys and not girls"..
Now, she goes for the customary "are you sure?"
and I tell "you remember Y and S from 10th std. I was best friends
with them because I fell in love with them. I did not know it
consciously then. While in 10th std, I never could explain why I got
those butterflies in my tummy whenever I was around Y and S. Now, I
can recognise those feelings to be love"
nervous laughter at the other end...
I continue "You know me ma... I will not claim to be anything if I am
not sure about it"..

[Ofcourse, most of the conversation was in Tamil. And yes, I am a
closet fan of cheran (both for his direction and his looks.. oops :))]

Then, I launched into a monologue where I explained my various
experiences and the process of my coming out.. the pain, the fear of
rejection, the nights of silent crying of unrequited love, my past
relationships, my current relationship, section 377, hiv...
everything.(Looking back, I think it was a mistake telling her
everything in a single sitting.) She responded by saying
"Most of what you said is very new to me. I will love you no matter what..
But, I somehow get the feeling that I have not been a good mom to you because
i was not accessible to you when you were going through your
struggle". I was so touched by her response.

Ever since, my brother has been helping her cope with my coming out by
talking to her almost on a daily basis. Her main concerns have been
(a) the guilt she feels about "not being there for my son when he
needed me the most"
(b) section 377 and its implications ("don't come back to india. you will be better off in the US") (c) how to break this news to my dad. The usual "what will happen to my son when he
grows old and I am not there to take care of him" seems to be low in
the priority list right now because
(1) she knows that I have a really strong circle of friends who have accepted me unconditionally and love me to death
(2) she grudgingly accepts velu as my well-wisher :).

Now that I am out to my mom, I dont feel elated, but just a sense of
relief and peace. Finally, yesssss...

Now that I feel very emotional writing this email and all, I also feel
like I should take this opportunity to thank the folks who have been
with me (knowingly or not, directly or indirectly) from the time I
started searching the internet circa 1998 for the word "homosexual"
(the first instance of me accepting the fact that I might be one).

In no particular order...

(1) Vikram, L_Ramki, Ashok (and countless others in gaybombay and
kush). Most of my current thoughts/opinions regarding
homosexuality/bixsexuality were shaped reading your emails. Most of my
queer related knowledge was gleamed from sources you linked to. I
really don't know where I would be if it were not for you (perhaps
married and leading a dual, miserable life).

(2) Vetri. Vetri was with me at Purdue for approximately 2.5 years.
When I met him, I had come out to just a couple of my friends. We
pushed each other through our respective coming out processes. He gave
me the courage to place my profile on gay.com, attach a picture (yeah,
it seemed a really BIG thing then). He also showed me that it is
possible to get a nice person to live with..

(3) My straight friends and my brother (who are not on the list)..
They were my support group long before I had enough gay friends.
Thanks for listening patiently to my excited and boring reports about
my crush-of-the-month, the latest gay movie and the last episode of
QAF.. Also thanks for taking up the cause of queer people and
fighting for it, despite the fact that your own sexuality is often
questioned as a result.

(4) Movenpick. What can I say? Though I do not maintain an active
off-list communication channel with most of you folks, you are my
extended family. Thanks.

And Velu, for letting me share my life with you :).

-Sundar

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Felix's Coming Out Story
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Finally, I came out 2 my only sister (elder), whom I hav
always had as da 1st choice 2 do so… besides knowin dat she'll
not go chaotic n burst out of rage, ven she comes 2 kno her only
brother is "GAY", n da pressure of bringin an heir 2 da family
is gonna rest solely on her...lol… I decided 2 come out 2 her
in a public place, wid da idea in mind dat she cannot go chaotic
n outrageous tho' if she wanted 2 (a bit more dan cautious n a
touch of risk…huh?) … n by da way, she seldom did do ne of dose
resentments energizing me 2 speak more…

It's was a pleasant evening, but a borin gatherin 2 me as an
youngster, ver lot of veterans of various fields hav come
together 4 some thing, which I barely bothered 2 notice.
I could also notice here gettin her energy sapped by da aura,
as she started 2 talk 2 me about family issues, ven she took
her words along da coast of my life n da marriage… boom,
I jumped as high as I can widthin me smelling da perfect
air around, 4 which I was awaitin more dan a year…. She crocked
out her vocal da phrase "ven v would luk 4 a girl 4 u.."
I whooped her sayin, wat da hell r u speakin about…"a girl"…….
She camly said, "u want a boy"……. "Absolutely, yeah…" was my
exact phrase…. Neither she did panic nor 2 da least she stared
at me… Jus a deep luk, I knew she would act dis way, but not
2 dis degree of it…. Quickly regainin my stand, I acted not 2
give her ne more emanation dan she had….. makin it so simple,
der was a hetro-sexual couple, pretty young, among da crowd of
veterans, walkin across da hall, yards away 4m us…. Distractin
her attention towards dem, I told her who does catch ur sight
at da 1st place……. da expected answer "boy" was missin. Rather
she did say, "did u 4get da idea of me getting married…..?"
ignorin her irony, I whispered 2 her, 4 me, da girl luks as
if nowhere, but dat guy is "so sexy, gorgeous n hot" (Guys,
he was really really hot…lol…) no yellin, no freakin, perhaps,
she burst out of laughter makin me fell as tiny as an atom,
soon I did realize dat she was not makin a sarcastic laugh
ven she said, "it's 5n, if u don wanna marry a girl, but it's
all about marryin a guy…. Which in its 1st place needs more
thinking n perception…" I was blank... knowin not 2 say nethin
more as gay marriage is still illegal in india, n I'll lead my
life only in India 2 da best of my prejudice.

She wid all might continued, but dis time she had turned in2 a
prophet, n literally started 2 preach, she quoted Leviticus 4m
da old testament till revelation in da new testament… sayin
nowhere it said dat "homo-sexuality is allowable 2 practice
wid no sin", she kept fixating on da fact dat it's "abomination"
n nothing more accordin 2 da bible.. N bein Christians …. She
said, "u can neither practice it, nor can I back u up, as v kno
it's wrong, n da bible says it's more offensive ven u do an
known-mistake dan da unknown…" she didn't b an orthodox in her
words, neither my family is 2 some levels… v called off da
discussion after an hour n an half of its commencement wid me
tellin her dat "homo-sexuality is jus a sexual disorder", which
is none's choice, n it sound so pervert as da st8s sex is so
called "conventional"… she answered I'll read more abt dis…. I
wisphered widin me... "I hav 2 row my ass down 2 find counters
in da bible"….. Christ help me..!

Obviously, I don wanna comply wid her "abomination" crap…. Man,
if at all, I do, wonder could I turn st8…?!.. How hilarious
is it jus as thought..?... bein a poor visitor of da
"holy bible" I've got nothin 4m dat 2 counter her…….

So my beloved folks, ne thoughts (not necessarily 4m da bible)….
I gotta win over her 2 win my life….

PS: wish my sister hasn't been a Christian... 2 da least, let her
catch-up wid "selective-amnesia" 2 4get abt bein a christain….
lol…

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Anil's Coming Out Story
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Just thought I would share mine too. I came out to my brother thru IM.
Well, all people I came out to until now, only thru IM. A few reasons
for this 1) We don't live close. 2) Personally I felt it was easier.
So here's the transcript with my bro. He's 24, a year older than me :-)

Keep them coming ...

Anil.

Myself: hey i need to tell u something and i can't find the right time
Bro: whts tht man?
Bro: u lost ur virginity
Myself: it's something personal ra tell me when nobody's around
Bro: ok...nobody is around me now
Bro: u wanna call me?
Myself: no
Bro: thn....tell whts tht man
Bro: tension is bulidin up here
Myself: hehehe it's nothing about u i dunno if i've the guts to say it
Bro: ok tell plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Myself: hehehe once i told it u wish u never heard
Bro: oh GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
Bro: whts the matter ra
Bro: i really didnt gettin any guess toooo
Myself: hmm u sure u wanna hear it?
Bro: wht u think....can i ?
Myself: what do u mean?
Bro: i mean u want me to knw tht ?
Bro: if u didnt wish i wont ask u again surely
Myself: i want u to know that if not now at some point sure
Bro: ok thn tell me now no probs
Myself: okay alright i got the guts
Myself: i'm gay
Bro: hey whts this man
Myself: hmm see i told u
Bro: did i saw correctly?
Myself: yeah u saw it right
Bro: u knw onethin....i didnt knw wht exactly gay mean
Bro: i mean tht exact meaning of gay
Myself: hehehe yeah i thought about that too
Myself: well then it's good isn't it that u dunno what it means?
Bro: no i wanna knw tht
Bro: tell me plzz ra
Myself: what? u r making me laugh
Bro: nope
Bro: i really wanna knw wht u meant by u r a gay
Bro: whts tht really ra?
Myself: hmm dunno what to say to u it means i'm attracted to guys than
girls
Bro: yeah tht i knw
Myself: hmm thats good
Myself: whatelse u wanna know?
Bro: nothing more specific thn tht?
Bro: all i knw is gays want to have sex with guys...
Myself: well i don't think so
Myself: hehehe
Bro: u too going towards tht
Myself: hehehe not yet don't worry i didn't have sex
Bro: why this man
Bro: whts wrong with gals there
Myself: okay u r taking this too harshly i think
Myself: give it some time what do u say?
Bro: yeah nothing wrong in wht u say really
Bro: i m OK now
Myself: hehehe i told u u wish u never heard it once u knew
Bro: but is there any chance u go n have sex with guys at a later time?
Myself: i dunno that yet but i'm not looking to marry a girl that i'm sure
Bro: not in near future also?
Myself: so mom and dad only has to marry u
Bro: re papam ra...vallu tattuko leru..really [I dunno how they can
take it ra]
Bro: u too give some time n think abt this ra
Myself: yeah i know but i don't have a choice
Bro: ok leave it
Myself: rey i thought about it for years ra i'm telling u now since i
made up my mind
Bro: whn u came to knw abt this?
Myself: ok i'm not sure but i got this doubt always
Bro: some advice
Myself: u wanna give?
Bro: yeah just try once if u can
Myself: u mean sex with a girl?
Bro: y dont u go n have sex with a girl
Bro: yeah u got tht already
Myself: hehehe i'm fast
Myself: i can't promise u but i'll think bout it anyway u better get
used to this fact
Bro: yeah i can
Bro: but wht can we tell thm ra
Myself: thx ra that means so much to me
Bro: really i think it will be too rude if u say something like this
to thm ra
Myself: well we'll see i dunno ra i haven't decided anything yet
Bro: yeah ....but u knw onething
Myself: we'll talk about it in future and see how it goes
Myself: yeah what?
Bro: once u decided to go someway nobody in our family cant change u
until its u urslef have to change
Bro: thts wht worrying me
Myself: yeah i know that and thats why u want to accept it
Bro: so u better take time n think n do something practical like i
adviced u ra
Myself: okay i'll think bout it ra
Bro: matter is i will accept whtevr u tell also whole family
Bro: nobody have the guts to be say to change u
Bro: but i think there will be a lot of loss for our family if u did
something shocking like this to our family
Bro: i m just worrying abt thm....so think abt it by taking time ra
Myself: okay sure ra i'll think bout it but don't worry i'm not
planning on telling mom or dad anytime soon
Bro: yeah thts better
Myself: i'll do anything only when we both agree
Bro: thanks ra
Bro: ok i m leaving
Myself: okay sure an eventful day huh
Bro: yeah....really it would be better i never heard wht u said
Bro: but i will erase all this rightaway
Myself: hehehe we wish a lot of things never happened
Myself: no don't erase it i want u to get used to it
Myself: okay we'll talk later
Myself: what do ya say?
Bro: yeah sure
Myself: ok catch ya later then call u at home
Bro: i used to tht frm this moment only bcos its U ra

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Mukesh's Coming Out Story
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yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!I came out to my Amma! She was so sweet, willfully listening,patiently conversing all throughout. I narrated to some extent how Iam oriented to guys for a longtime now. She questioned most of them,but accepted with no resistance, no tears, and no embarrassment. Shewas worried about whether I am the only person as such. I had tointroduce (instantiate?), Shri, Sundar and Velu, as my close friendswho had been comforting me at (some inexplicably) very personal level.When she wondered about my marital life, I had to exemplify Shri+Prax,Sundar+Velu, to reinforce her belief that I too would be settling inwith a guy someday. :)In about another 12 hours, I'm going to come out to my appa andsister('s family) too! I didn't plan it, but just happened today. wow!I feel so light, relaxed, unusually confident and resolute now.So, thank you all, MPickers! My *intimate* hugs to Shri, Sundar and Velu. :)


Sweet!Appa was expectantly difficult to handle. He confronted challenging myego, 'masculinity', mental maturity taking advantage over my meek,femme, dowdy, mellowed, naive nature. He drilled me with superficialjudgmental inquiries, that, I could be impotent, I could be 'ali', Icould contract AIDS, I could not gather guts to be a MAN. He deniedwelcoming me for my honest confession, rather called for someflexibility to be wishy-washy and don't need to blindly recalcitrantover this unilateral desires. He can't take me for face value, I"should" go through medical consultation as per *his* recommendation.So my ass. :))In the later half-an-hour of that three-hour conversation, I politelytalked about me, my experiences, my love, my emotions and such. Hedoes not seem to be convinced yet I made my point my issue is beyondthat. Narrating stories of S+P and S+V immensely helped and of coursemy respectful salutations go to Sudhir, as I could assert myself bydescribing what he went through. Somehow it ended up in him wishing mefor good life. Nevertheless, sister was cool, cooing, understandingand not probing enough.So here I am! :)Thanking you all again, for your wonderful support. By today, I havecome out to *all* my dear and near ones, world suddenly looks sobeautiful to me.Now I have no job, no boyfriend, no sex partner, no God, but onlyMpickers! So I'll plunge into the "real" world to establish thosesurvival comforts, and till then, excuse me for my inactivity here.

Sweethearts, I know you would! :)Huggly,